I went to see Jeremy Kyle today.

As in, seeing the show being filmed in Manchester. It was a bit weird. Enjoyable, but weird.

First up: the man himself is, unsurprisingly, a bit of a cunt. While I really don't mind his personal brand of fiercely-realistic counselling, watching him swagger about between takes, taking the piss out of his crew and half-jokingly banging on about how great he is, was a bit much.

For those who've never been to a TV filming before (incidentally, it's free and usually quite good fun), I'll explain the process. First up, upon entering the building they have to check you're not some kind of terrorist - you're searched, and have to show some form of ID. At first, this seemed a bit far-fetched, until I realised that bombing a building with a bunch of Jeremy Kyle 'contestants' in it is... well, it reminded me of the time when it was uncovered that a bunch of guys were planning to blow up The Birdcage in Manchester - anyone who goes there is bloody asking for it.*

Anyway, after the security checks and a lot of waiting around looking at photographs of people who've been in Coronation Street, you're taken through to the studio itself - which is actually fucking tiny, by the way - and sat in a chair. And then you stay there for about two hours while all the impossibly talented telly people do their stuff.

Usually, once you're all sat down, things will kick off with someone coming out to warm up the audience - usually the floor manager, but at some comedy screenings you'll get a rubbish stand-up comedian telling a few jokes. Either way, their job is to make sure you're ready to be entertained until your balls explode, and that you're going to actually make noise when stuff happens. "Remember, we can't hear a smile!!!", they will tell you. Which always irritates me, for no reason at all. In Kyle's case, we got the floor manager making smutty remarks about the attractive women in the audience, and interviewing people who either didn't want to be interviewed, or were too eager to be interviewed and therefore should not have been fucking interviewed. Then Jeremy Kyle himself walks out, and absolutely everyone spunks inside their trousers.

I was sort of prepared for him being a massive bellend, but it was still a little bit sad to see. That he genuinely cares about the people who come on the show, I have no doubt - he was visibly disappointed with himself when it was clear that he hadn't really achieved anything with one of the troubled guests - but he still didn't really come across as the sort of person I'd ever want to... well, meet. Or talk to. Ever.

He made fun of the crew, a lot. I mean, a few jovial remarks would have been okay. But getting the floor manager and some other woman out and making them explain that they used to go out, but then the woman became a lesbo and left the floor manager for another woman, then the floor manager found someone else, and the woman got dumped by her new girlfriend for another man. Or something. Fuck, I don't know. Anyway, they didn't really seem to find it as funny as Kyle did.

Then there was his half-brother, who Kyle constantly took the piss out of, and kept reminding us that it's because of him that his half-brother even has a job. He seemed to take it well, but you couldn't help wondering if literally everybody wearing a black 'CREW' t-shirt thought Kyle was a massive, massive cunt. Never mind the fact that, while Kyle was doing his best to make things sound off-the-cuff, you were still pretty certain that he'd learned the entire thing by rote, including a couple of HILARIOUS anecdotes which were just a bit too funny to be true. You know the kind - a story that was, at some point, based on a true event, but has clearly received a few stylistic tweaks over the years, and the teller has refined the telling a bit too much.

The show started, and some of the stories were pretty laughable, while others were just very sad and depressing. It's not much fun watching an 18 year-old mother burst into tears on-stage because her boyfriend and father of her child is a weed-addicted, physically abusive prick. I was a bit disappointed that Kyle didn't just punch him straight across the jaw, but I guess he's getting soft these days. Although there was one wonderfully bizarre story about a man who apparently cheated on his girlfriend by bringing a woman along whilst running kebab deliveries in his car. They just used to talk in the car, and he once gave her a peck on the cheek, BUT NOTHING MORE.

And that was sort of it, really. I've no idea when the show will be on - they specifically told us not to ask, as they really have no idea, but that didn't stop one twat asking anyway - so don't start harassing me for clips of me looking tight-lipped with minor rage at the back of a TV studio.

Oh, and this one girl came on national television wearing tracksuit bottoms. That was good.


*(fuck, I hope it's clear that I'm joking)